Goodness. It has been a while hasn't it?
These last few months I have been often seized with sudden ideas that would slot perfectly into a blog, but haven't had the inclination (read: willpower) to sit down and put them into words.
Despite all that though, here I am, I suppose. Sitting in bed, sleepily tapping away in my finest hosiery, air conditioner turned on full blast. It's all just so magical, isn't it?
Recently, I have been vexed with some very contradictory thoughts, and I would like to share a few of them with you now, in the hopes that the very process of expressing them will help to assuage at least some of their very paradoxical tendencies.
One the one hand, I have been working on a visa to help me stay in this country for the next three years. (shock and amazement ensues, as none of Aidan's readers had any idea until now that he has been working on a visa.) Conversely, I also haven't been home for a good eleven months, and the salty Vancouver air and all-you-can-eat sushi restaurants are whispering my name. It's a strange thing to work so hard to stay somewhere, when at present, you'd rather be somewhere else. This is the very idea that has been playing tricks on my mind.
This afternoon, I sat in Washington Square Park, quietly minding my own business and trying not to make eye contact with the woman in surgical scrubs serving as a roost for a collection of wild pigeons. I had about an hour to spare, and it left me with a lot of time to really just think. Enveloped by the NYU campus, I was particularly contemplative, as my surroundings prompted me to further consider my decision not go to college.
When I decided to attend Circle in the Square over any other traditional academic institution, I took a path that I never in my wildest dreams could have foreseen. All my life I had wanted to attend the local university, become a doctor, and and eventually take over my father's practice, living happily ever after with a wife and children in our idyllic little house with a nice backyard and perhaps a friendly, yet mischievous dog. Part of that scenario is still very attractive to me, and yet much of it no longer is as inviting and comforting as it once was.
Perhaps I always wanted that sort of life because it was almost an extrapolation of the existence I was already leading. Or in other words, it would not require any drastic change and I could continue living the perfectly comfortable life I already had been, seamlessly transitioning from a blessed childhood into a blessed adulthood without any bumps or major shocks to the system along the way. Instead, I chose to go to theatre school and be an actor who lives thousands of kilometres away from his family, tearing his hair out to stay in a country that doesn't take kindly to Canadians.
Well, I do still feel like a very blessed adult (a relative term), even though the transition into this phase has been quite jolting. New York has a way of brusquely taking your virginity without apology (though I'll be damned if I don't keep coming back for more). At the end of the day, I still don't feel as though this is a cruel city, but it definitely forces you to work for the things that you want and love. Part of growing up has been really figuring out what I do want, and these last three years have helped me to do that more than any Bachelor of Science program could have.
I still often feel as though I am living in a constant fog of mixed messages as this city affords opportunities just as quickly as it snaps them right back up. However, I do feel confident that at least for now, I am in the right place, doing the right thing. After all, I'm still shamefully young, and have plenty of time to really carve out my best possible path. I truly believe that I'm well on my way, and that with patience, hard work and faith, the destination I desire and the destination that actually awaits me will eventually become one.
In the meantime however, it's still pretty darn confusing, and I often lie awake at night searching episodes of 'Louie' for answers, or watching you-tube clips of Disney movies, trying to pretend they don't make me cry. I hope that I can discover soon just exactly what the right balance of education and theatre and religion and family is, but until then, I remain slightly bewildered and ever curious.
Until next time (may it be soon),